Living in non-monogamy in Catholic Poland: The strategies and practices of women
07 February 2024
Image: The polyamorous pride flag
The emergence of new forms of romantic relationships, that go beyond the social and cultural norm of monogamy is perhaps not surprising in culturally diverse, large, liberal cities like New York or Berlin. However, the fact that people choose to live in open marriages or different kinds of constellations, including polyamorous relationships, in contemporary Catholic Poland might be more surprising.
Since 2019, I have been studying the perspective of women in in open, consensual, and unplanned non-monogamous relationships. The research I'm conducting is based on in-depth interviews with women who live in non-monogamous relationships, but also experts such as psychotherapists, psychologists and sexologists. This work is situated within the context of the moral changes in Poland after World War II, and the expert discourse that has influenced attitudes toward women's sexuality (Kościańska 2021a). I analyze media discourse and monitor the Catholic Church and political discourse on topics such as family, sexuality, gender roles or non-monogamy.
Poland as a country of conservative values
According to GUS - Central Statistical Office in Poland, in 2023, 71,3% of Poles still identify as Catholic. Between 2015 and late 2023, the Polish government coalition was led by the conservative part PiS (Law and Justice), which oversaw a .. near-total abortion ban in January 2021. The ban came into force following a ruling by the constitutional court, which, under PiS influence, outlawed terminating pregnancies even in cases of severe birth defects. Additionally, there is no legal recognition of non-heteronormative relationships, let alone families, in Poland: conservative political and religious forces present a concept of family based on non-monogamous relationships as completely unthinkable. As anthropologist Agnieszka Kościańska rightly observes, public and political debates about topics like sexuality and family planning consistently lead to disputes about the nature of family, gender roles, and, ultimately, Polishness (Kościańska 2021b). Indeed, according to Polish right-wing politicians and spiritual leaders of the Polish Catholic Church, Polishness is rooted in non-negotiable traditional values such as marriage, religion, or the nuclear family.
All of the above contributes to the perception of Poland as a very conservative country. Researching non-monogamous relations, I am interested in understanding how women navigate challenges and difficulties that this type of relationship may present in this political and social context How is a non-monogamous relationship perceived socially? How do individuals cope with the threat of social stigmatization, which may also affect their children? What are their definitions of concepts such as family, relationship, and friendship? How do partners share responsibilities, especially in caring for a child? How does motherhood in non-monogamous relationships fit into the concept of chosen families?
I explore the phenomenon of non-monogamy, both open and consensual, as well as instances of unplanned non-monogamy in relationships. This approach allows me to examine a broader spectrum of social circles, not only those associated with the leftist environment of large cities but also those in which non-monogamy is tabooed and stigmatized by conservative worldviews and Catholicism.
Family
My research contributes to a broader study of changing family practices and forms in the Polish context. For many of the women I've talked to, the family of choice, formed by partners and their partners, and sometimes just friends, is equivalent to the biological family. It is noteworthy that my research participants include individuals who identify as heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. When asked about the meaning of 'family,' one participant, Monica (38 years old), expressed that a relationship must include a component of time, shared future planning, and, in the case of planning to have a child, it presupposes having children together ('starting a family').
Monica is married to Michael (38), and together they have an 11-year-old daughter, Lucy. Aneta (41) is married to Jan (42). Both marriages currently form a love quadrangle. Their relationship has developed to the point that Aneta and Jan recently moved to Warsaw from a city of 80,000 inhabitants in Lower Silesia to live with Monica and Michael. Aneta describes her understanding of family:
I think that now Monica, Michael, Jan, and Lucy are my closest family, the people I care about the most in the world. For whom I am willing to sacrifice, give something of myself, give a lot of myself, so that our social unit, our cell, is simply happy. That's it. For us to be just fine. Family is also peace, support, the fact that you can always come and talk about your problems. That you're not afraid. Great security. Such basic things.
Social perception
One aspect explored during interviews is the fear of revealing the type of relationship being pursued. The threat of social stigmatization becomes even more challenging when children are involved. However, there are instances when the argument for acting in the best interests of the child needs to be acknowledged to define what constitutes the child's wellbeing. In these cases, parents are aware of the potential social stigma associated with being non-monogamous, but they choose to face it, hoping that their love and care will be sufficient. Similar debates can be found in research on families of choice.
During a conversation about the fear of stigmatization, Kate expressed:
You know, of course, it can happen, but I don't think children can be protected from everything, all the evil in the world. And I prefer to take a risk and be in a relationship that shows 'this is love, this is happiness' than to create some fiction that I do not believe in - this child will feel anyway.
Due to these fears, some behaviors, such as public displays of affection or displaying family photos at work, are concealed or kept discreet. Many research participants do not disclose the nature of their relationship to others or only share it with those they trust. They navigate between not flaunting/concealing and employing strategies that help display normativity.
Extended care and extended parenting
The topic of motherhood arises frequently in the research, and the experiences and approaches of the interviewees vary. Some have experienced motherhood in previous monogamous relationships, while others plan to have children or are childless and do not plan to have children at all. Monica, when asked about taking care of Lucy since they all moved in together, explains: "I can see now that it's spreading over the four of us. Aneta recently studied with Lucy for a biology test, so it's great because Lucy comes back from school early, we are at work, and Aneta, due to being on notice, is still at home. So Lucy came back, ate dinner, and sat down to biology. Yesterday or the day before, Lucy had a problem with math. I come back home, and Lucy is sitting there with Jan, and they are learning mathematics, so in educational matters, I can see that they support her a lot." Monica emphasizes that Aneta and Jan have the right to educate and pay attention to Lucy when needed. Lucy, in turn, refers to Aneta as a "third parent," and there have been instances where Aneta accompanied her to school events, not Monica, her biological mother.
Sonia and Daniel, a married couple, are raising a 3.5-year-old autistic son from Sonia's previous relationship. At the time of the interview, they were seeking a third person, preferably a woman, to join their relationship permanently. They live in a Polish city of 200,000 inhabitants. They discuss the idea of introducing a third person into their relationship, especially concerning their child. They express that having more people in the relationship makes various aspects of life easier, from relaxing to organizing tasks, and even cleaning the house. They also express the desire for the third person to have a strong bond with their child:
Daniel: Even cleaning the house is easier, isn't it?
AS: And with the child?
Sonia: Well, we would definitely like her to have a bond with him.
AS: Uhm. And also ... would she also be a person, probably, potentially relieving you?
Sonia: Well, if... if they had a bond strong enough and she would say: well, uh... I don't know, we'd like to go out somewhere and she would say, you know, "lol, go, don't worry, have fun" (laughs) right? Because me and my buddy (the son) are going to do something here, well, it would be nice, sure, of course it would be great. But it's not like you know you're looking for a third person because you have a baby and you need a babysitter for that baby, right?
Lack of Guidelines, Lack of Given Rules
Many research partners mention that, unlike monogamous couples, they do not have a culturally accepted path or set of rules to follow in their relationships. To function in non-monogamous relationships, they need to establish their own rules based on their needs and build their own system from the ground up. This type of relationship is perceived as one that requires frequent open communication, attention, and self-awareness.
An interesting aspect underscoring the grassroots nature of non-monogamous relationships is the lack of appropriate language to describe individual family members chosen in romantic non-monogamous relationships. This is evident in instances where Lucy struggles to address Aneta and Jan, using their names interchangeably or referring to them as "uncle and aunt." Occasionally, she refers to one of them as her "third parent." Even Lucy's biological parents are unclear about what to call Aneta and Jan.
Although the research is ongoing, it is apparent that the socio-cultural context in Poland plays a significant role in the experience of living in non-monogamy. If we can talk about minority stress in the case of LGBTQ+ communities, the stress and social fear of being judged and not accepted take on an additional layer when it comes to a community outside both heteronormativity and monogamy. Individuals in non-monogamous constellations with children experience additional fear while attempting to build a family together. Despite these fears and the lack of a prescribed script on how to live in non-monogamy, they choose to practice it and learn through the process.
Bibliography:
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